unemployed husband won't do housework

Be selfish, you deserve to live a good, happy, healthy, balanced life. The most important thing to remember is its him, its something about his lack of respect for others his employers. Hell owe back-child-support when he finally gets employed. Me and my brother are currently not speaking because he insists on mooching off of my parents/other people instead of earning an income of his own. My girlfriend and i have been together for 3 years now. I had become very clingy and dependent and had developed what I didnt know was called learned helplessness. Im tired, fed up of always having to carry the load and biggest is fed up of feeling not good enough. EVERYTHING. Its like half a life. He sttill wants sex every night and gets mad if i dont want to but i dont want to because im too upset. James Adonis is the author of Employee Enragement. Then he got really sick and my son felt sorry for him and asked him to stay with us. We talk about a lot but our communication is very poor on the issue. I changed jobs working as a self employed and found although I was working days and late into the evening I was enjoying the work and money was good. Of course, he gets cold but because he doesnt pay for the heat thinks nothing of switching it on instead of putting on clothing! Am I crazy? Please any advise would help, do i stay and continue this or do i part ways as hard as that would be! My wife worked about 5 years of our over 8 year marriage. Your second shift begins the minute you walk through the door and the kids run to you. Hes a slacker and useless and doesnt help around the house and he drives me crazy. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 5 years, he pays the bills, has to buy the groceries and pays for all the little extras and I can tell he is getting very frustrated. I got so angry. Permanent marker your line in the sand. In the last month he has become someone I dont even recognize. Not to mention he was the one I chose to give my V-card too. Im truly sorry youre going through this. I just want him to get a job, but its not that easy. He doesn't respond well to this. I feel like I have no one to talk to, so I am looking for a therapist or something, thank goodness for benefits. The biggest difference between man and woman is the woman always sacrifice in the family and children. I cannot pay all our bills. I care for our babies all day, clean, cook, job hunt, pay the bills and deal with all of the other responsibilities around the house, all while having recently delivered a premature baby (with needs) and struggling to recover from my spinal injury. Including some places where the pills are still legal. Anyhow finally I started knowing some friends here and got a chance to set up a small business . As you aptly point out, you are now middle aged, have no children and no support from your husband. I am trying to support us with two part-time jobs, but I dont get health insurance through work. Im angry, resentful, depressed and had enough. Since they really cant do anything as they have no opportunity to do so, they often end up doing nothing. He was supportive for the week when I was really down, but in mentioning the upcoming memorial service (delayed due to the aforementioned family issues) this morning, he said he had completely forgotten about it, as he had other things on his mind. Housework really is a full-time job, muses my septuagenarian father. Fast forward to present day, still no job, works 15 hours a week bartending at his friends restaurant and has 16k left in his retirement. Its taking a toll on his health too he cant sleep, hes constantly getting colds, and Im incredibly worried about him. She owns her own property, works as a senior finance manager, has always been able to outearn me and she earns $165,000 annually (plus). Not saying give them a hand out but Im sure a hand up would be greatly appreciated. I loved my work and then I was injured in a way that prevents me from working. Seems like most of society moved on, but were stuck. Husband works for a union in the city. As you said, you are not stupid. He is a scientist and had no interest in switching to a teaching career. You get to have a life. In the past whenever I confronted my sister about her husbands unemployed situation, she always became defensive. I am living this weird life where I dont really have my family involved as they dont ever come to my house, no one does really. If I have a day off, thats one days pay we go without. :). I work at home as a medical transcription. She promised me that it was something she could do and would finish. I dont chose to do those for another 5 years and he has to champion himself, because I can only just champion me. The last thing you or your partner needs is your resentment, so choose what you are comfortable with and do it. I feel very bad in this and i am going into depression dont know what to do when mom tell me this . He owes me thousands of dollars at this point. Meanwhile, my fianc who started at the right time, is still not finished has nothing to show for it, zero experience, unemployed oh and to make matters worse, he doesnt want to be a cop anymore. All you are teaching them is that if they ask enough or refuse to step up themselves, you'll give them what they want. Where do I turn? I dont know what else to do!!! Its pretty much ramen noodles and Mac n cheese; No group effort needed, even if our small kitchen could fit two cooks in it. Id have someone paying for half the cost of living rather than paying all the bills for two people (plus more if there are kids). This summer, his underemployed job is providing no hours, so just the side gigs and my (not substantial, nowhere near 6 figure) income are what were living on. I wish I could be taken care of and supported for once. Yes, its due to me in not willing to settle for less. I am torn as I feel fairly confident that hes the one for me, yet I dont see much coming from him in terms of support. i am thinking of divorce. Consider this a 9 month course you paid for to see what you do not want in a partner. All rights reserved. Dear Annie: My wife and I have been married for 30 years and we've had the same problem all of that time. My advice to you would be to get out of the relationship as fast as possible. Hi Chelsea, he sounds like a horrible man and it seem like you and your kid are in danger. When do I get my break?? Will he get physical or try to do something to me, so I just stay. You have a gift for expressing yourself with words, you sound educated and wise. I say that because for the past 7 yrs it has been me supporting and paying every thing, replacing cars, paying her credit card debt and health insurance and you name it I pay for it. Hes been on a total of 3 interviews in the last year none of which resulted in a job offer. Ive been on disability for the past few months and its the only money i have. You have to face up to the fact this guy set you up to be the heavy lifter while he does as he pleases. I thankfully have a job, and keep us going. Dear girl, Im just tired of being the Proverbs 31 woman. I was fired from a great job in the housing building materials industry in 2010. 2) Share what you're grateful for (family, friends, etc.). WOW that is so exaclty how i feel. He always has a blan to be unreasonably wealthy but it fizzles and hes on to his next dream. As far as working, the first few years werent too bad, he seemed to be trying to be better. They dont want to fit in the position job market needed for the time being, but they just want to work in the position they like. I was hoping for 10 or even 20x that. When he was working he paid his share but spent his left over money on who knows what (probably strippers although I dont have proof). Not because your husbands contribution is better than full-time employment (every family is different), or that his methods were defensible (you deserved some say), but because your insistence on wanting something you dont have is making you miserable. It is so nice to be able to read other peoples stories and hear that I am not the only one in this situation. He has a degree from a nowhere school and spends a lot of time working on hobbies that dont pay him anything (he actually sometimes has to spend money for them), but the hobbies allegedly keep him sane. Tired. Sorry, Im getting off topic. He likes the work itself (its a trade) but hates the people, bureaucracy, being told what to do by a less-experienced guy who is the foremans lackey, rude guys, dirty port-o-lets, you name it. My husband lost his job 4 years ago and hasnt made much money since then. I know men on here seem to think we are all just whiny women that just want money. He told me to give him a month for things to get better. But her parents said that due to my hearing problem they cant agree to this relationship and fixed her marriage with someone else. It is a terribly helpless position. So by the luck of faith, I gained a full time permenant position. I suppose I was running away and subconsciously wanted to be looked after. I wish my situation was that easy. When my wife was out of work I was honored to cover our expenses. But currently I am going through a stressful time at my job plus having to pay all bills, clean the house, wash clothes, make dinner, do homework for my Bachelors degree, make sure the kids do their homework, and get the kids up for school everyday. He agreed to the job and it was clearly explained what it would entail so its not like anyone twisted his arm or held a gun to his head or even mislead him about what would be involved. I really need to retire but now I cant because everyone here depends on my paycheck and my benefits. i dont know if youll ever see this. You are not comprehending what these women are posting apparently. I made it rebuilt my credit, rebuilt some savings, now looking to buy another home and live a scaled down lifestyle, but not sure I want her to come with! Is he a good man or a lazy shit who pretends hes a good man just so you leave him alone, thats called playing you. I did some in the UK when the opportunity came up, and I learned Swedish and did some small pieces of work in Sweden. He gets angry at ME for asking him how his job hunting is goingYou guysit has been FIVE ! Im afraid that if I leave him he will become suicidal, as he is prone to severe depression, but Im worried that staying with him is changing the course of my life for the worse. Subscribe me to the GoodTherapy.org public newsletter. I cook meals and do dishes etc most nights after coming home. I seem to convince myself to just hold on, make sure he is working good then tell him to go, but it never happens. ITs overwhelming. Its very scary to make these decisions.. Its sometimes easier to just accept itand I suspect many of these lazy men are very unhappy with the women in their lives so they just stop caring about how all this affects their wives. Im at my wits end. Hes unemployed because he lost his drivers license to a DUI and cant get it back until he completes 10 counseling sessions at $25 bucks a piece. He has not changed. I honestly want to better myself and hes not helping, not even pulling his own weight. Go to new job and immediately started accusing me of having an affair, wanting a divorce, not wanting a divorce. Horror upon horror, about a couple of weeks before the wedding, my brother-in-laws business partner decided that he have had it with my sisters future husband. And of course, that is quite understandable as this is not the traditional or even proper way (IMO) for things to be done in a marriage or family. Meanwhile, if you push too much, you may risk coming off as cold and ruthless. Get them to get out and find a job. I agree its because most employers cant afford to take a chance on someone who raises red flags and might as well have a question mark about their reliability-dependability and whether they would even be any good tattooed to their forehead. ..hes the lazy jerk not you. I want to live alone. The first 15 I was like please dont go. If he love and respect you he will try harder to share your financial burden. Id rather die. If you only had 3 months to live, what would you do now to make sure that your life is filled with no regrets? I am 53. And all this is hidden from his family who cares for him deeply. I try talking to him so i can understand how he can choose to put all that effort into a female who meant nothing instead of fixing himself then his family. So many people dont get it and Ive been told to just cut costs. i dont know what should i do. It undoes all the patient support Ive been trying to give and I then feel worse. 3) Tell him how much he means to you and let him know that this experience will only bring your relationship closer together. He pretends yo be kind and says he just will do whatever I say and then less than a week later he is back to his old self again. I breathed such a sigh of relief since we just got notification that he has passed through the entire selection process and will need to report to HR for full time training in February. I wanted to have a another child but how? I share how you feel and your faith with God. Peace be with you . You have two choices. We are barely breaking even. I was supportive of him and was positive that he would find something else. Being unemployed is an incredibly difficult strain on any family, and the unemployed person SHOULD voluntarily and happily assume MOSTLY ALL of the household work until they find gainful employment again. So Im like bye. I have to work to support us. 1. And will not get help for depression and alcoholism. My bet? She said she couldnt afford to lose her paycheck. I think about leaving a lot, but what would it really accomplish? When we met I had only just moved into a one bedroom flat and he moved in with his three kids. I know this is an old post but I could not help but reply to your comment. Again, he goes off in text to this guy. My issue was that I never felt supported when we were in this situation that he wasnt doing anything around the house whilst I worked 60 hrs a week, that he wasnt trying to find a job, that he wasnt happy for my work related successes. This job was supposed to pay alot and i had my hopes up that hed get it. I should be more patient with my husband as it is so hard on him for not being able to find a work. I glad that I found this site. I guess my point is that I am building up resentment, but I feel I cant express it. . 4. We both have college degrees. I cant muster up the stregnth to make her feel better when all I want is to yell at her to get up by herself! At the earliest opportunity after unemployment, you and your better half ought to take a seat together and strategize the pursuit of employment and talk about ways you can take off or possibly limit conflicts that accompany unemployment stress. I perceived many of my interviews to be fake as in they already hired someone and/or were interviewing me merely to meet/exceed a quota and had no intention of making me an offer. As Crystal pointed out to you. He gets very angry. Go figure. Every time I tell him I need help he blames my mental illness and tried to get me to see my doctor but the thing is Im fine! My mom was so happy that at least one of us were married (I did not get married until 6 years afterward). He have not held a job down for no longer than 6 months each year. Our sex became so dry that I literally never wanted to do it. I dont know what to do. He does do the housework and cook but its only the two of us in a one bed flat. Being in this relationship is exhausting. That may be due to him or his references saying bad things about him, so he changed his list of references. As he came from another country, he found it hard to find work; and the jobs he could find were seasonal or one off jobs, nothing secure. It also seems like a no-brainer that your husband should pick up more chores around the house now that he has extra time. Problem: he gives $ away and makes bad investments w/o my knowledge! I understand you may not want to leave your bf as he somehow may give you some emotional support. I have asked him to get counseling and he starts but quits. When we first met he was finishing his studies for his second degree, and ended up moving from the Netherlands to London to do an internship to finish. And the worst part is all of this is very isolating. In other words, you know what you want to do and don't need any advice. 3 yrs in making more $ than I ever have. I have been ok with this arrangement until this last bit when I saw him act so unprofessionally. Its been months since they ended it and i cant help but feel that he is only with me for security reasons n not because im the one he really wanted if gave the choice. The other half of the problem is his depression. And then has the nerve to act outraged, as if the layoff was unfair. Press J to jump to the feed. Because, you just get a job. I wish you well. Heres to happiness! because then hell think I dont NEED his money for rent and wont give me it. He took a serious underemployment position and told me I might need to get a job, Ive picked up odds and ends ( I cant work full time due to a lung disability) and gone to school full time. ContI made good grades, but I debating on grabbing a certificate. I struggle with knowing if divorce is the right decision for me. Hi my boyfriend receives unemployment and doesnt help me with any bills or our sons cost of food diapers etc he does nothing and will not leave because hes on the lease is there any way I can call unemployment and get them to drug test him or something so he could loose it and finally have a reason to evict him he claims he helps with the checks but he really doesnt if he wasnt making anything I can prove hes lying. I have talked to my husband about how when he gets a new job, I would love to employ a regular house cleaner, but that we need to wait until we have a higher household income. I am about to break up with my boyfriend. The complaining is endless and the idea is supposed to be that if men aren't . Or he wont. Im doing everything in my end but whenever his mom talks to us, I feel that she is thinking that Im just bumping around doing nothing. My parents are starting to hate him and his parents once said to me, well u arent starving. You grow., Im Sick of Being the Bad Guy in Relationships. When they looked for job, they will say they are overqualified for a lot of work if they got good education.They may think an I earned probably $1 million in that time; and lost about $120,000 on shares and forex trying to escape the mice race. I want our kids to be raised in a two parent home. As this is non-reversible. Attitude can have a lot to do with it as well. tied up in the relationship or family. Im aware that Im already in a state of stress and frustration over my husbands 1.5 year unemployment, but these tips really tick me off. By 2002 my husband, whom everyone told me adored me, left for another woman who was an American full of ambition and drive (just as I have been before I got sick). Ive tried broaching the subject of his returning to work and the response has changed over the years: no one to pick up kids, etc. You have two choices. My (25f) husband (24f) doesnt do anything at home. I havent read ALL of these (wow, there are a lot of people in similar circumstances to mine), but what I really want to know is HOW to break up with a partner that is so dependent on you. As for how to bring it up, Alicia Clark, a Washington, D.C.-based therapist, said to avoid blunt criticism that might, however unfairly, make you seem like a nag. Its not perfect, but its better than it used to be and most important, it allows room for improvement. Can u sell something uv never seen thats in Ghana which is another country that belongs to someone uv only talked to over the phone, to a guy sitting in US/UK/China or South Africa that is as flippin broke as u? So, I glue shoes back together. In this situation, the wife can choose to ask their partner move out if there is no issue of children. :(. During these years, I cant tell you how many times Ive been at some function where after a few drinks someone said to me, I feel so bad for your partner. It really offends me that some people have posted that us partners with non-working husbands are money hungry or man bashing. As a positive person, it is incredibly draining to me to not only be the breadwinner and emotional cheerleader, but also to only hear negative things from him and never be able to voice my own concerns. I love him.I really do. On top of that he pays ZERO bills in MY house, and I say my house because his name isnt on anything. Thank you for your comment, Chelsea. Now Ive been threatened with divorce and he has become emotionally and physically abusive. I try to tell him about how I feel and he keeps saying it will get better when hes done school. During every rise and fall of this god-forsaken unemployment phase, I have been there to support my partner every step of the way. I cannot be his world, I cannot be his sole source of good self esteem, I cannot listen to the constant complaining. So I lost my dream. He even told me he had a job and that he started monday, and then Sunday came and suddenly he found out he didnt have the job. I cut my own hair, sew clothes back together, skip meals (but I am overweight, so you would never know it. I could have become an auxiliary nurse or carer but I couldnt cope with human poo although I was a compassionate person. He is here Every Day. I was laid off after my 3rd child, and picked right up with my own business. I think I dont just resent him, I actually kind of hate him for this. It makes me really angry to spend all day working and taking care of the house as he just sits there playing computer games. But, the stress of the last 6 years has been getting to me. Not to mention it has lowered my self esteem completely to ask him for money when I need it. Wheres a real woman with a heart for little ole me!? Oh, and I am the one who is employed as a janitor, but he goes along. No one can help you except yourself. Its not your problem if he has no where to go. I assure you that while it is rough, yes, it is still possible. Since he was paroled, he hasnt been able to keep a job because of his record. I hear you and you are absolutely not alone. This has lasted way longer than we ever anticipated that it would and quite frankly there are days where I just see no light at the end of the tunnel. When they arent doing this, they are playing on their computer, laying in bed/sleeping or pretty much generally lazing around morning, noon and night. And him financially and emotionally abusing you. Hes coming back tomorrow. Therapists and counselors can also often provide resources and help to those seeking employment. No kids but it seems that there is a hole in me because of that. Anyway, it was nice to vent for a bit and I hope the situation improves for everyone on here. If a MAN is out of work for YEARS, it means he doesnt really want a job and is pretty much just enjoying the freebie as long as you will allow it. The women struggles in financial even they work very hard and long hours everyday. is he serious? So do what you need to do for yourself because clearly they arent worrying about you. 3. I pleaded for discussion. We were tied down to only one vehicle and he does attend school part time, 12 hours a week. See what happens if you dont address everything, even if the thought alone fills you with immense dread (including visions of D test grades for the kids or your home looking like an episode of Hoarders). Actually I just feel like Ive failed my son, hes the reason I just let it happen because I dont want him to feel like mommy and daddy are gonna leave him or its his fault. I had no idea when we gor married that anythign like that was even possible, but I love my wife and stood by her, even as she tearfully admitted to herself and to me that she could never be a teacher. Im speechless. 2. Kelsey, kick him out. He cleans the litter box (ew). We have no savings due to spending a lot of money repairing our apartment after a major leak in the roof. Instead she generally sleeps till noon, watches tv all day and does minimal housework or job hunting. Weve cut our expenses to the bone (no cable, no eating out, no-contract phones) and we still come up short. Its really appreciated. Once I get up in the morning , I am busy at preparing my kids and my self Breakfast and lunch. What happens then and the details around this are still up in the air. For me , as long as it give me money I dont mind the nature of work. He lives there too so he should be contributing to keeping it clean. It has me so stressed out that whenever I would say anything about it he would flip it around and play the victim card. The stress is getting to be way too much. They said they are willing to do any work for money but their attitude are not matching. He just sits in front of computer all the time. But Im like you cant feel to bad because you keep doing it. I want to enjoy my life but it doesnt feel that way right now. He will not own his failure, learn from it and move on. But now, without the little extra help, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. One such example was Amelia who explicitly told her husband: "I can't get emotionally involved in anything any more. Boy, has society got all women buffaloed. He got fired from the first, and the one he currently has is minimum wage. something I dont have. It has been 6 months since he moved in and he hasnt helped a lick with anything. HE HAS NOT APPLIED FOR A SINGLE JOB since losing his other crappy one over a month ago. My husband is a frugal guy, so he finds all kinds of ways for us to save money. What do I do??? This gas been going on now for ten years. 24/03/2011 at 1:44 pm. I am a senior learning and training manager who has spent most of my 15 years working in the college/university sector. Set up a chore chart for him and just calmly tell him that if he is going to continue to not work then he will need to do the chores. To all who have wrote or read. I think I was just trying to get across that putting down my people in every conversation isnt a fun chestnut we should pull out every dinner. I can tell you what has worked for us, but I was also excited to research your question and get more advice from people who study these issues for a living. I feel like committing suicide. This was most obvious in Emily's situation. The last three shes totaled about 3 months of work. Admittedly, I make more than most of my friends with 4-yr degrees on my measly little associates degree (I work in the legal field), but living in this area on less than $100K a year? When youre not married, youre free. I wouldnt care if after 90 days he left and found another job, but the fact that he always acted like it was beneath him and was always pissed just to be there performing the duties of the job. When hes out of work (he has a part of the year job so this is frequent) he just hangs around the house. He has destroyed my personal property, threatened me, and holds me virtually hostage for fear of an outburst of temper. He got a car (which I helped pay for), but then he got better paying jobs and purchased a truck and started to doing odd jobs with that too.

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